When Avoidance is the Major Presenting Problem

Relationships are complex. The old adage that ‘relationships should be easy’ has been debunked over and over again in the research. Successful relationships are constructed from a vibrant intricately woven tapestry of careful communication, trustworthy behaviours and loyal choices, emotional and physical intimacy, and the work it takes to create mutual understanding.

 However, one of the most insidious challenges couples can face is avoidance — a pattern where one or both partners sidestep difficult conversations, emotional intimacy, or conflicts. While avoidance might seem like a way to maintain peace temporarily, it can undermine the foundation of a healthy relationship over time, leading to emotional distance, resentment, and even eventual disconnection.

Take the case of Alan and Rose – they have been together for 12 years.  They are a blended family and have done incredibly well over the years until … Alan’s daughter turned 14 years old.  Her behaviour became very difficult, she developed an anxiety disorder, and began to self harm.  Alan and Rose argued about how to manage this. Alan became very protective of his daughter and began to shut Rose out because he didn’t want to deal with her different point of view. By the time they presented to therapy, Rose was very angry, resentful and was very harsh in the way she raised subjects which of course confirmed to Alan that trying to talk to her was useless so now he was avoiding all conversations, not just the ones about his daughter.

Understanding Avoidance in Relationships

Avoidance in relationships manifests in various ways. Some partners may shy away from discussing sensitive topics like finances, commitment, or personal fears. Others might withdraw emotionally when conflict arises, shutting down rather than engaging. Avoidance can also take the form of distraction, disengagement, or excessive silence, all of which serve to prevent vulnerability and confrontation.

The roots of avoidance are often deep-seated. Fear of confrontation, vulnerability, rejection, or hurting one's partner can drive individuals to avoid conflict altogether. Past trauma or negative experiences may also reinforce the tendency to avoid, creating a cycle of emotional withdrawal that becomes self-perpetuating.

  The Impact of Avoidance

The consequences of avoidance can be profound. Initially, it might seem to reduce immediate discomfort, but in the long run, it erodes trust and intimacy. Partners may start feeling ignored, misunderstood, or unimportant, fostering resentment and emotional distance. Over time, this can lead to a cycle where avoidance becomes a default response, making it increasingly difficult for couples to reconnect or resolve conflicts effectively.

John Gottman’s research indicates that avoidance is strongly linked to relationship dissatisfaction and breakup. Gottman’s work emphasizes that emotional bids for connection are vital for relationship health. When these bids are ignored through avoidance, the emotional connection weakens, and couples can drift apart.

As Gottman therapists it is our goal to help the couple repair the hurt feelings that have led to and resulted from the avoidance by fostering greater emotional understanding and connection. In doing this we might choose to provide communication structures for the couple to guide their conversations such as the Gottman Rapoport Intervention which involves learning how to listen to your partner with interest and curiosity, learning who to demonstrate understanding through reflection, validation of feelings and expressions of empathy.

For Alan and Rose it began with a Gottman Rapoport conversation that was framed up as ‘My experience of supporting X through her mental health challenges’. As each partner spoke about this the therapist deepened the emotional content by asking questions like ‘What was it like for you to witness your daughter’s wounds?’ and staying with that to the point of bringing Alan to tears and expressing his deepest fears about losing his daughter and feeling responsible for her struggles. This allowed Rose to move into compassion and empathy. 

Then Rose spoke about her own fears about the impact this daughter’s behaviours were having on their younger children and how she was ‘desperate’ to protect them from having to deal with what she described as the ‘horror’ of self-harm and situations they were too young to be able to understand prompting the therapist to ask ‘What do you think this would be like for your younger children?’ which led to a disclosure about her own experiences as a seven year old when her older sister suicided. This gave Alan an opportunity to hold her and reassure her that he was there for her and for their other children too. Alan was able to let go of his belief that Rose didn’t ‘care’ about his daughter’s wellbeing and Rose was able to let go of her belief that Alan ‘only’ cared about his daughter and not the wellbeing of the other children. 

These conversations can only take place if the therapist has: 

a.    Created a Safe Environment - a safe, non-judgmental space where both partners feel comfortable expressing themselves.

b.    Identified and surfaced the vulnerable emotions – a process that gently leads the client into those well defended parts of themselves in a way that helps them experience some cathartic relief;

c.     Teaching and practicing the art of intimate conversation – using gentle, respectful language to initiate discussions, reducing defensiveness and making it easier to address sensitive topics without triggering avoidance.

d. Addressing the "Four Horsemen" - and replacing them with healthier interaction styles, such as gentle startups and effective listening

The Path to Healing

Addressing avoidance in relationships is a process that involves patience, understanding, and consistent effort. A Gottman therapist’s evidence-based strategies aim to break the cycle of avoidance by fostering emotional safety, encouraging vulnerability, and improving communication. Over time, couples learn that facing difficult topics together, rather than avoiding them, can strengthen their bond and deepen their trust.

While avoidance can threaten the health of a relationship, luckily it is also a malleable pattern that can be transformed with the help of a skilled Gottman therapist. Couples can develop the tools and resilience needed to confront their fears, communicate more effectively, and build a relationship grounded in genuine connection and understanding. This journey toward emotional openness not only mitigates avoidance but also revitalizes the love and trust that form the heart of a thriving partnership.