The apparent absence of conflict in couples relationships

By Certified Gottman Therapist - Campbell MacBean

There seems to be a common myth to which many couples subscribe, that the absence of conflict somehow makes for a good relationship. Or, to put it another way, there’s a perception in romantic relationships, if we aren’t arguing or disagreeing, we must be doing fine!

Despite what the common myths might say, learning how to manage conflict is one of the most important outcomes of couple’s therapy. Even though they might believe the myth, when they get to couples therapy many couples have been in a cycle of conflict for some time, and they feel worn out and worn down by it. Or alternatively, they have been strenuously avoiding conflict and feel alienated and lonely as a result.

In Gottman Method Therapy one of the first questions we ask a couple is “What’s bringing you to couples therapy”? Although they might express it in different ways a common theme we hear back on this question is - “we suck at communication and conflict”, either because their fights continue to escalate or because they avoid conflict for fear of it becoming a fight (which then escalates despite trying to avoid it!).  

However, some leave in the early stages of couples therapy when the immediate crisis has abated or stopped. This may be because a couple comes to therapy in high distress but are not committed to change, or that their relationship satisfaction is very low to start with, so they aren’t motivated to stay in therapy if change doesn’t happen fast enough. There can also be a belief that ‘the crisis has stopped, we’re ok now’, and the couple ends therapy before any real change can occur. Others sometimes leave because they don’t connect with their therapist or trust in the process they’re offering.

There is so much emotion behind couples conflict that many couples don’t manage to create the space together to explore what’s behind their arguments. As a result, they learn to fear disagreement and inflate the differences between them. They fear their partner’s judgment and perceived negativity.

As Gottman therapists we can help a couple slow down enough and develop some guardrails around managing conflict if the couple is willing to work together to make this happen, initially in the therapy room and at then at home. When a couple has the courage to learn how to approach the sources of their conflict using evidence-based principles and guidelines, they find that understanding their partner does not mean they have to agree.

Busting the myth of the absence of conflict is John Gottman’s nearly 5 decades of research which clarified that conflict is an integral part of every couple’s relationship whether expressed or not. In one longitudinal study where the same couples would come back to his lab over a 20-year period, he found that only 31% of their conflict was ever solved! A whopping 69% of their conflict never reached any resolution. This meant that 31 % of the problems couples face are Solvable, and 69% of couple’s problems are Perpetual. In other words, most of the conflict couples face is unresolvable!

As a result of this finding, John and Julie Gottman concluded that managing conflict is a more realistic goal in couples therapy than conflict resolution. In studying how couples handle conflict in the lab, the couples who had found a way to dialogue about the perpetual conflict were then more likely to work out a compromise on the issue they could both live with.

Avoiding the conflict only leads to further conflict. This means a willingness to approach the tensions that lie behind conflict actually helps a couple grow in love and connection and to understand who their partner is at heart.