Tips for Detecting the 4 Horsemen During a Couple’s Dialogue

By Advanced Gottman Clinical Trainer and Consultant Trish Purnell-Webb

The four horsemen—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—are powerful indicators of relational distress and predict relationship outcomes if left unchecked. For Gottman therapists, detecting and interrupting these patterns in real-time during dialogue is a core skill. The goal is not to pathologize couples, but to name patterns accurately, so you can guide the conversation toward repair attempts and healthier interaction.

1) Start with the pattern, not the person

- During assessment look for recurring interactional themes rather than isolated incidents. A single heated comment may be a signal flare, but a repeated pattern of how trouble is discussed is more telling.

- Track the trajectory of a topic. Does the couple begin with a neutral issue and morph into blaming or sarcasm? That helps you distinguish complaint from criticism, and surface contempt later in the exchange.

2) Distinguish criticism from a legitimate complaint

- Criticism tends to target a person’s character with global statements (for example, “You never listen.”). Coach the use of the antidote, in this case the ‘Soft Start-up’ , e.g., “I feel ignored and not heard when I’m interrupted., and what I need is time to fully express myself.”

- If you hear absolutes like “always,” “never,” be alert to criticism, and interrupt the pattern gently and swiftly.

3) Read contempt in tone, tone-shift, and facial cues

- Contempt is not just nastier language; it shows disrespect and disdain. Listen for sarcasm, sneering, hostile humour, and disgusted facial expressions (rolled eyes, lip curl) that signal contempt.

- Contempt is corrosive because it communicates moral superiority and contempt for the partner’s character. Note the moment it appears and how the other partner responds. Intervene immediately and slow things down, offer the antidote – ‘talk about your own feelings and needs’ – in other words a deeper kind of soft startup – for example – “Oh, that’s right, because you’re perfect (eyeroll)’ becomes, with coaching -  ‘ I guess when I am corrected in front of the kids I feel stupid, humiliated and belittled. I begin to think our marriage is painful and harmful to me and that I am neither loved nor respected, it makes me want to leave, to get away from the pain. What I need is to be treated respectfully even if I get things wrong or I misunderstand something.’

4) Watch defensiveness as a protective shield

- Defensiveness surfaces when one partner responds to blame with counter-blame, excuses, or cross-complaints (“Yes, but you did this too”). It can shut down productive dialogue.

- Look for nonverbal cues that accompany defensiveness: closed posture, folded arms, turning away, or rapid, self-protective self-talking. These signals help you differentiate defensive moves from genuine problem-solving.

5) Identify stonewalling, especially after escalation

- Stonewalling isn’t silence alone; it’s a withdrawal after high arousal. One partner may stop participating, look away for long stretches, or shut down emotionally.

- Check physiological signs: heavy sighing, slowed breathing, a reset in attention, or a freeze in the body. Stonewalling typically follows escalations of criticism or contempt and is a protective response.

6) Notice the rhythm and timing of interaction

- The Gottman lens emphasizes interactional patterns over time. Note who initiates a topic, who pushes back, and the turnaround points when the mood shifts from collaborative to adversarial.

- Pay attention to “repair attempts” (a phrase, a smile, a pause, a change of topic) and whether they are recognized and welcomed or ignored. Failed repairs are a strong marker of unresolved horseman activity.

7) Use precise labelling in the room

- When you sense a horseman emerging, name it carefully and nonjudgmentally. For example: “That sounded like criticism/defensiveness/contempt and we know from Gottman’s research this is a destructive pattern in relationships.” This helps the couple externalize the pattern rather than internalize blame.

- Use questions that invite reflection “What needs were you hoping to meet with that response?” or “How do you think that lands when it’s said that way?” or “What happens inside you when you hear yourself say things like that?”

8) Context matters: culture, history, and safety

- Be mindful that cultural norms shape how couples’ express emotion and disagreement. What reads as harsh in one context may be normative in another.

- Prioritize safety. If contempt or aggression hints at verbal or physical harm, intervene with safety-focused steps and consider the appropriateness of couple therapy.

9) Pair detection with gentle repair guidance

- Once the pattern is named, coach the antidotes to create explicit repairs. Encourage the couple to make “I” statements, validate attempts at listening, and practice short, concrete commitments to change.

- Track progress across sessions. A decrease in horseman frequency or intensity is a meaningful marker of relational improvement, even if other issues remain.

Detecting the four horsemen is about catching the bullets and helping the couple recognise the destructive and unhelpful patterns that undermine connection. With careful listening, precise labelling, and a focus on repair, Gottman therapists can transform heated dialogue into opportunities for connection, understanding, and lasting change.