Therapy for Partner Aggression and Abuse

Intimate partner aggression (IPA) is far more common than many realise, with research estimating that over half of couples experience some form of aggression during their relationship. When psychological and verbal aggression are included, the numbers rise significantly. Because of this, clinicians working with couples must always assess for the presence of aggression or abuse. A critical first step is understanding the distinction between situational violence and characterological violence, as this difference guides safe and effective treatment planning.

The pioneering nine-year study conducted by Neil Jacobson and John Gottman, published in When Men Batter Women, remains a cornerstone for differentiating these two forms of violence. Situational violence arises during arguments when one or both partners lose impulse control. It tends to be symmetrical, with both partners contributing to the escalation, and is usually accompanied by remorse, a desire to change, and relatively accurate, matched accounts of what occurred. While damaging, it typically lacks the ongoing control and domination that defines abuse, and with appropriate intervention, many couples can learn safer, healthier ways of relating.

Characterological violence, however, is another matter. Rooted in patterns of control, domination, and intentional harm, it is marked by denial, minimisation, victim-blaming, and coercive behaviour. Victims often live in fear, unable to influence the violence, while perpetrators escalate intimidation and manipulation over time. Within this category, researchers identified two distinct batterer profiles: “Pit Bulls” and “Cobras.” Pit Bulls display jealousy, dependency, and possessiveness, often isolating their partners and reacting dangerously when separation is attempted. Cobras, by contrast, are calculated abusers with antisocial traits, frequently violent beyond their intimate relationships. They maintain a chilling calm during confrontations, reflecting the proactive and deliberate nature of their aggression.

Because couples therapy assumes mutual responsibility for problems in the relationship, it is contraindicated in cases of characterological violence. Attempting joint sessions in such circumstances can inadvertently increase risk for the victim and reinforce the abuser’s power. Instead, clinicians must prioritise safety, provide clear referrals, and work individually with victims to build support and develop protective strategies.

Assessment is therefore a delicate but vital process. Initial sessions require careful listening for signs of coercion, humiliation, or gaslighting, as well as comparing each partner’s narrative for inconsistencies. The Gottman Connect online assessment (Relationship Checkup) also provides structured screening for intimate partner aggression, helping clinicians identify potential risks early in the process. Individual interviews are especially important, beginning with the suspected victim to evaluate their sense of agency, fear levels, and personal history.  When situational rather than characterological violence is identified, couples therapy may proceed, but only with a shared commitment to change and a willingness to take responsibility.

Treatment for situational violence focuses on de-escalation, conflict management, and repair. Practical tools such as teaching partners to take breaks, use self-soothing strategies, and track physiological arousal—even with simple devices like pulse oximeters—can interrupt destructive cycles. Couples are encouraged to practice healthier communication, repair attempts, and structured conversations that promote understanding. In addition, therapists work to build empathy by helping each partner grasp the emotional and psychological impact of their aggression. This may involve guided discussions, reflective listening, and interventions that allow partners to hear each other’s pain without defensiveness. For unilateral aggression, the therapy may draw on betrayal recovery work, emphasising atonement and genuine accountability. Importantly, alcohol and other substances are frequently identified as risk factors that lower inhibition and intensify aggression, so addressing substance use becomes an essential part of reducing recurrence. Alongside these strategies, couples are encouraged to deepen their connection by rebuilding rituals of closeness, sharing life dreams, and re-establishing appreciation for one another. With these efforts, therapy not only reduces conflict but lays the foundation for long-term emotional safety and intimacy.

The bottom line is clear: while situational violence can often be addressed successfully in couples therapy, characterological violence requires a fundamentally different approach. For clinicians, the responsibility lies not only in supporting relationship repair but in safeguarding the well-being of the most vulnerable partner. Effective therapy begins with careful assessment, ethical judgment, and above all, a commitment to safety.